Friday, May 25, 2012

Mind over matter...

Someone once wrote the phrase "Mind over matter". Someone then decided that running a distance of 42 kilometers in honour of someone who died trying to do that was a good thing. In a triumverate of bad ideas, someone decided to mix these two thoughts together and see what happens. That last someone was me.
Let us put 42 kilometers in perspective.... it is about 41.95 kilometers more than the average person runs in a day, (If you are on time for your Bus/Train then it is 42 kilometers more).
Anyway, I digress. Why am I discussing human stupidiy and distance? (For those of you who will argue that it is human willpower and a spirit of 'can do', I would like to point to the aforesaid dead greek who "did not"). The main reason is because I am a bit overweight. When I say a bit, I mean a bit. In the same way that the Earth is a bit larger than Venus. Its all about perspective really, and from my perspective that last gulab jamun always looks lonely on a plate.
At some point of time , The Girl (yes there is one) put things in a very succint manner. Due to copywrite and legal reasons (To prevent her from doing something highly illegal to me) I will not repeat what she said. The net effect of this was to push me to go back to the gym and start losing weight. And I needed a push. First out of the car, then up the stairs, then into the changing room and so forth.
Luckily I had already signed up for a gym almost 6 months earlier. I went there quite regularly until I got injured, namely my ego suffered a bruising from watching other people work out.
Now, I have never been a runner. (I am sure some of you expect me to make a joke about "except when it comes to running away from work", but that is not a laughing matter and takes serious effort.) Running for me has always been more of a concept. A "can do" with an addendum of "later". I also always figured that the treadmill was a metaphor for life where you spend so much time running all to stay in the same place. Thus who needs metaphors when you have the real thing right?
Well, as always in life I put my best foot forward. Followed by my other foot. Followed quickly by my best foot again.

Monday, May 23, 2011

Cruising Along

(Part 5 of my Bangkok Series)

My Mom was right. Size does matter. It especially matters when it is wearing a pink shirt and dancing on a boat to 'Munni Badnaam Hui'. I think there is a certain threshhold where you decide "If you got it, flaunt it", and it is usually somewhere around 120 Kg.
Quick Recap: Got back to my hotel with my uncle, had to get my clothes from Room 2005 to Room 2014 to take a shower, got back to the lobby 45 minutes after the scheduled time of departure or as it is called in India, early.
Get on the boat, have a few drinks, watch the bride and groom get embarassed when a cousin yells out "Kiss the bride", watch my aunt get embarassed when a grandma asks her "what does that mean?", and we get to the sing and dance portion of the cruise.
At the outset let me warn you, we Marwaris are not very graceful. I blame it on physics. How do you move your body with any coordination when you have the momentum of blingy clothes, outlandish jewellery and heavy wallets pulling you in all sorts of directions? I guess one way of compensating is making sure that they weigh a fraction of what you do, and wear pink whilst you are at it.
Why do people always try and drag you onto the dance floor? Of course here I use the word "floor" quite loosely. It was a small gangway between the buffet table and the dining tables. Lets just say that there were a lot of salads that got tossed a second time. 
Oh and somehow they had found a Thai singer who was going to sing Hindi songs. Someone had not thought this through. You have a bunch of drunk men (with their wives), in Thailand, on a boat with a hot Thai girl singing provocative hindi songs and a license to pretend to dance. Well, they say in order to create something, you have to break something first...maybe that applies to marriages as well.
Aunt: Why dont you also dance?
Me: Because I dont participate in public orgies.
Aunt: (not understanding what I said) Oh just be young, have fun..look at everyone dancin......MOHAN!!!!!

Thursday, April 28, 2011

An Interview with EclecticV

When I heard that my old twitter friend @eclectivV had decided to turn in his application for the the Miss India contest, I initially looked at the calendar and breathed a sigh of relief. Whilst just around the corner, we still had a few months for 2012.
However, it did leave me with many questions and I am sure you have them in your mind too. Thus I scheduled an interview with the weird one, which I hope shall shed some light on this turn of events.

We tabled it for  4 o'clock last evening and I was surprised to see him on time. However, he wasted no time in displaying the newfound diva inside him.

Me: Hello Eclectic.

Him: Well hello there.

Me: Thank you for this interview Eclectic. And wow, looks like we will start on time, exactly at 4 PM.

Him: My clock says 3:54. LOL.

Me: I know, its fantastic that you are on time. Can I offer you some refreshments? Tea, coffee maybe?

Him: I've got coupons for CCD, why don't you run out and get me sandwich, eh?

Me: Uhh, the closest CCD is 15 minutes away. We have biscuits here. And we can get this over with quick.

Him: I think I'll go out to get a sandwich, that 4PM interview posting thing was just a rough estimate, I'm sure you all can wait while I return.

(At which point of time he strutted out of the room. I waited there for a long time. I wonder how people who do this for a living put up with this everyday?. Anyway, he returned after a couple of hours.)

Me: Well, that took a bit longer than I expected. It shouldn't have taken you more than an hour. Where did you go? What were you doing?

Him:  At Big Bazaar, buying crap.

Me: (Deciding to continue the interview before I decide to murder him) So what made you decide to participate in a beauty contest?

Him:I had a dream, I don't remember it, but I do remember that it didn't feel good.

Me: But why would you decide to do something that does not feel good?

Him: Hurt is an addiction too, a very strong one.

Me: But wouldn't it be better to do something that you are good at? Something more rewarding?

Him: Man, I don't have time to pursue rewarding things in life.

Me: Has no one tried to talk you out of it? Explain to you that you cannot possibly succeed in this venture?

Him: Advice by normal, well meaning, intelligent people never worked for me then, and so I don't plan on picking it up now either.

Me: Don't you think that some people might find it weird that you are entering the Miss India contest?

Him: Fuck judgmental people.

Me: Yes... its good that you are steadfast, but the world thinks you should give them an explanation.

Him: No, I won't. Fuck you.

Me: Fine, at least explain your thoughts on how you are going to pull off the swimsuit competition. What do you think of the sight of you walking down that ramp in a bikini?

Him: It's a bit hot.

Me: (Regretting I had ever brought up this topic) You have no apprehensions of whether you will fit into it? Don't you think you are a bit bulky for ....

Him: Well, at least my skeletal muscle mass is just right.

Me: So I hear you did not like your old job. Was this part of the reason you decided to become a diva.. sorry a beauty queen?

Him: Just when I was onto something groundbreaking, on the brink of spearheading an epic revolution, they saddled me with mundane work.

Me: And what was this epic revolution that you would have brought about?

Him: Just accept me as your intergalactic emperor already you all, you all futilely wither and slither in vain.

Me: Ummm....  We dont need an intergalactic emperor.

Him: Oh you egoists, there's no cure for your problems.

Me: So since you could not become the intergalactic emperor, you decided to try for miss world?

Him: In the end, we just want to be made to feel special in one way or another. That's what it's ALL about.

Me: Thats... fantastic....

Him:I like it when we all agree that I am spectacular.

Me: Uhh... so are there any people who have inspired you during your life?

Him: I can bring myself to hate anything or anyone if I try even a little, same can't be said for admiration.

Me: Do you think it is your destiny to become Miss India?

Him: Out of all the questions that I ask myself, the one I give most merit to is "Why, why was I born?" Sure it's rhetorical, but whatever.

Me: That doesn't really answer my question....

Him: Look at you all go, it's like you believe that someone gives a shit about what you think or have to say.

Me: What do you think of your competition? Everyone says Poonam is the hot favourite to win, she claims to be the most downloaded model on the internet.

Him: "Most downloaded model on the Internet," my ass, no really, I mean it, more pictures of my ass have been downloaded than Poonam's face.

Me: Are you going to don a stage name for your act? I doubt your current name will do....

Him: Esther is the most beautiful name, ever.

Me: Why did you not try for something more conventional, like the ..I dont know.. MISTER India competition?

Him: Men have to work hard, display loyalty, withhold trust & prove their worth to get somewhere in life. Women just have to show some cleavage.

Me: Dont you think that is a bit sexist?

Him: Call me old fashioned, but I thinks husbands should do the cooking & earning business, and wives should tie their ties and be appreciative.

Me: Uhh... and whatever happens after the competition, what do you see yourself doing in the future?

Him: I think I'll make a rather good wife.

Me: Any advice for future aspirats....One hopes they won't turn to you, but in case they do?

Him:When in doubt, hide the coke, kill the hookers and pretend to watch TV.

Me: And on that note I think we should end this interview.... lets not take this any further......

Him: I've always had a feeling that most people will not like the end, whatever it may be.


Thank you @EclecticV for being a sport and letting me put this up. All these comments are tweets that he has posted since the beginning of April 2011 (Links provided, at least until he decides to delete those tweets).