Monday, May 23, 2011

Cruising Along

(Part 5 of my Bangkok Series)

My Mom was right. Size does matter. It especially matters when it is wearing a pink shirt and dancing on a boat to 'Munni Badnaam Hui'. I think there is a certain threshhold where you decide "If you got it, flaunt it", and it is usually somewhere around 120 Kg.
Quick Recap: Got back to my hotel with my uncle, had to get my clothes from Room 2005 to Room 2014 to take a shower, got back to the lobby 45 minutes after the scheduled time of departure or as it is called in India, early.
Get on the boat, have a few drinks, watch the bride and groom get embarassed when a cousin yells out "Kiss the bride", watch my aunt get embarassed when a grandma asks her "what does that mean?", and we get to the sing and dance portion of the cruise.
At the outset let me warn you, we Marwaris are not very graceful. I blame it on physics. How do you move your body with any coordination when you have the momentum of blingy clothes, outlandish jewellery and heavy wallets pulling you in all sorts of directions? I guess one way of compensating is making sure that they weigh a fraction of what you do, and wear pink whilst you are at it.
Why do people always try and drag you onto the dance floor? Of course here I use the word "floor" quite loosely. It was a small gangway between the buffet table and the dining tables. Lets just say that there were a lot of salads that got tossed a second time. 
Oh and somehow they had found a Thai singer who was going to sing Hindi songs. Someone had not thought this through. You have a bunch of drunk men (with their wives), in Thailand, on a boat with a hot Thai girl singing provocative hindi songs and a license to pretend to dance. Well, they say in order to create something, you have to break something first...maybe that applies to marriages as well.
Aunt: Why dont you also dance?
Me: Because I dont participate in public orgies.
Aunt: (not understanding what I said) Oh just be young, have fun..look at everyone dancin......MOHAN!!!!!







Thursday, April 28, 2011

An Interview with EclecticV

When I heard that my old twitter friend @eclectivV had decided to turn in his application for the the Miss India contest, I initially looked at the calendar and breathed a sigh of relief. Whilst just around the corner, we still had a few months for 2012.
However, it did leave me with many questions and I am sure you have them in your mind too. Thus I scheduled an interview with the weird one, which I hope shall shed some light on this turn of events.

We tabled it for  4 o'clock last evening and I was surprised to see him on time. However, he wasted no time in displaying the newfound diva inside him.


Me: Hello Eclectic.

Him: Well hello there.

Me: Thank you for this interview Eclectic. And wow, looks like we will start on time, exactly at 4 PM.


Him: My clock says 3:54. LOL.


Me: I know, its fantastic that you are on time. Can I offer you some refreshments? Tea, coffee maybe?


Him: I've got coupons for CCD, why don't you run out and get me sandwich, eh?

Me: Uhh, the closest CCD is 15 minutes away. We have biscuits here. And we can get this over with quick.


Him: I think I'll go out to get a sandwich, that 4PM interview posting thing was just a rough estimate, I'm sure you all can wait while I return.

(At which point of time he strutted out of the room. I waited there for a long time. I wonder how people who do this for a living put up with this everyday?. Anyway, he returned after a couple of hours.)

Me: Well, that took a bit longer than I expected. It shouldn't have taken you more than an hour. Where did you go? What were you doing?

Him:  At Big Bazaar, buying crap.

Me: (Deciding to continue the interview before I decide to murder him) So what made you decide to participate in a beauty contest?

Him:I had a dream, I don't remember it, but I do remember that it didn't feel good.

Me: But why would you decide to do something that does not feel good?

Him: Hurt is an addiction too, a very strong one.

Me: But wouldn't it be better to do something that you are good at? Something more rewarding?

Him: Man, I don't have time to pursue rewarding things in life.

Me: Has no one tried to talk you out of it? Explain to you that you cannot possibly succeed in this venture?

Him: Advice by normal, well meaning, intelligent people never worked for me then, and so I don't plan on picking it up now either.

Me: Don't you think that some people might find it weird that you are entering the Miss India contest?

Him: Fuck judgmental people.

Me: Yes... its good that you are steadfast, but the world thinks you should give them an explanation.

Him: No, I won't. Fuck you.

Me: Fine, at least explain your thoughts on how you are going to pull off the swimsuit competition. What do you think of the sight of you walking down that ramp in a bikini?

Him: It's a bit hot.

Me: (Regretting I had ever brought up this topic) You have no apprehensions of whether you will fit into it? Don't you think you are a bit bulky for ....

Him: Well, at least my skeletal muscle mass is just right.

Me: So I hear you did not like your old job. Was this part of the reason you decided to become a diva.. sorry a beauty queen?

Him: Just when I was onto something groundbreaking, on the brink of spearheading an epic revolution, they saddled me with mundane work.

Me: And what was this epic revolution that you would have brought about?

Him: Just accept me as your intergalactic emperor already you all, you all futilely wither and slither in vain.

Me: Ummm....  We dont need an intergalactic emperor.

Him: Oh you egoists, there's no cure for your problems.

Me: So since you could not become the intergalactic emperor, you decided to try for miss world?

Him: In the end, we just want to be made to feel special in one way or another. That's what it's ALL about.


Me: Thats... fantastic....

Him:I like it when we all agree that I am spectacular.

Me: Uhh... so are there any people who have inspired you during your life?

Him: I can bring myself to hate anything or anyone if I try even a little, same can't be said for admiration.


Me: Do you think it is your destiny to become Miss India?

Him: Out of all the questions that I ask myself, the one I give most merit to is "Why, why was I born?" Sure it's rhetorical, but whatever.

Me: That doesn't really answer my question....

Him: Look at you all go, it's like you believe that someone gives a shit about what you think or have to say.

Me: What do you think of your competition? Everyone says Poonam is the hot favourite to win, she claims to be the most downloaded model on the internet.

Him: "Most downloaded model on the Internet," my ass, no really, I mean it, more pictures of my ass have been downloaded than Poonam's face.


Me: Are you going to don a stage name for your act? I doubt your current name will do....

Him: Esther is the most beautiful name, ever.


Me: Why did you not try for something more conventional, like the ..I dont know.. MISTER India competition?


Him: Men have to work hard, display loyalty, withhold trust & prove their worth to get somewhere in life. Women just have to show some cleavage.

Me: Dont you think that is a bit sexist?

Him: Call me old fashioned, but I thinks husbands should do the cooking & earning business, and wives should tie their ties and be appreciative.


Me: Uhh... and whatever happens after the competition, what do you see yourself doing in the future?

Him: I think I'll make a rather good wife.


Me: Any advice for future aspirats....One hopes they won't turn to you, but in case they do?

Him:When in doubt, hide the coke, kill the hookers and pretend to watch TV.


Me: And on that note I think we should end this interview.... lets not take this any further......

Him: I've always had a feeling that most people will not like the end, whatever it may be.


****************************************************************************

Thank you @EclecticV for being a sport and letting me put this up. All these comments are tweets that he has posted since the beginning of April 2011 (Links provided, at least until he decides to delete those tweets).

Monday, January 24, 2011

Time to Grow Up

(Part 4 of my Bangkok Series)

People spend a lot of money on quacks that hypnotize them and make them "regress" into a previous life. Parents regressing till the point they act like kids, however, comes for free.
You know that part where you are not supposed to talk to strangers? At least this time it wasn't a hot girl. And of course my mom can't help but ask the adult equivalent of "Are we there yet?", which is "Are we there yet?". My uncle, who has travelled the world and is quite well read, decides to be profound. He sums up his deep thought with "It feels like we are not in India".
There is nothing funnier than watching a set of Indians on a train, in a foreign country, trying to blend in. We make fun of tourists going clickety click but trust me, tourists trying to be you and me are funnier. Especially when after 10 minutes of sitting quietly my mom asks me if I can remove the sky train map and make sure I know where we are going, and then repeats the question at every stop. My Dad meantime is sitting quite quiet and bored and my uncle has gone to sleep standing up. I am left with the job of herding these sheep to a mall that I did not want to go to in the first place.
Fast Forward: Reach the mall, it hasn't been blown up, set a meeting point and time, go your own way. The first thing I did was leave the mall and roam the streets. 2 hours of roaming, eating street food, talking to strangers (I'm allowed to since I am a grown up) and getting wet in unseasonal rain later I get back to the mall with a half hour to spare which was spent running around the food court like a little child.
I meet up with my parents and they then prove to me that I am the new adult in the family. Family function in the evening and my parents want to go see a play. Guess who needs to represent the family and prove that we have not come to Bangkok for just a vacation.
"So Mom, why do I have to go?"
"Son, someone needs to represent the family"
"Why aren't you guys coming?"
"Uhh..its on a river boat, and I will feel sea sick"
"We were on a cruise ship to Alaska for a week and it did not affect you"
"That was a bigger boat,.. size matters"



(Continued in Part 5, Cruising Along)

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

What it means to be in Bangkok

(Part 3 of my Bangkok Series)

I did not mean to spray my cousin with pineapple juice. I did not mean to be the second child to do so in 2 minutes. I had praised her for her patience when her daughter gurgled up some baby formula on her. She smiled and told me that I was in fact the first baby she had taken care off. And then I spluttered juice over her.
I honestly did not mean to, but fate conspired against me. Two of my aunts passed by behind my chair at that very instant. I dared not look and see which two, but I think I recognized the one who said "I have to try one of those famous massages. My husband keeps raving about them to his friends and gets one every time he comes here for a business trip".
How can you travel to a place without reading up on it first? Ladies and Gentlemen, this is Bangkok. This is Thailand. When I told my friends about my forthcoming trip, they prayed that I would not be raped by a lady-boy. This is the whore-house of the world, and whoever is not selling themselves for money, is trying to swindle it from you.
Fast forward: Breakfast is good, Mom stole my orange juice so I stole her hashbrowns, the hotel has a shortage of spoons, two plates go flying through the air due to people tripping ,every foreigner is wondering if the circus has decided to stay at the Hilton, and its now time to retire to the rooms for a few minutes.
Did I mention I was sharing a room with my cousin with the baby? Thats what I thought. Did I mention that since most of my cousins arrived the previous night, and since my bed was free, it had become a dumping ground? I guess I did not. On a side note, a bag of diapers (unused) makes a pretty comfy pillow.
Its time for a short geography lesson. Bangkok has a river on the east side of it. Hotels along its banks have little boats on which you can cross the river. End of Geography lesson.
Post a nap and lunch (where they still did not have enough spoons) we decide to go shopping. An uncle decides to tag along quite grumpily (he wanted to get a second massage since morning 0_o ). Short boat ride, short walk to the sky train and we almost get swindled.
A woman manages to convince my parents that not only is she a hotel employee, the mall we were going to had been subjected to a terrorist attack. It is moments like these that I really hope I was adopted.
"Dad, I cant believe I had to drag you away from that woman's scheme". "Son, how was I supposed to know". "Dad, this is Bangkok, you shouldnt talk to strangers". "But Son, didnt she seem like a nice person?" "No Dad, all she was... was HOT".

(Contd. in Part 4 Time to grow up)